My son and his wife don’t even have their own home yet let alone any kids. It’s going to a while yet but he’s just shocked me by saying that he’d expect me to be their childminder.
Financially they’ll be ok and his wife would be working because she doesn’t want to be a stay at home mum. His wife is Taiwanese and apparently it wouldn’t be an issue there. Her mother would just expect to look after the child. He worries because he doesn’t want his wife and her mother to think badly of me.
Id help out in any way I could. I’d babysit and look after the kids anytime they wanted and adore them in every way but I don’t want a permanent thing. He’s really shocked because according to him all his friends who have babies have their parents looking after them while they’re at work.
When they were young I only knew one person who relied totally on their mother. All parents who worked sent their kids to nurseries or childminders.
Now I know he’s worried about this and obviously I don’t want him to but I’ve done my child rearing and I’ve been a carer and I don’t want to be tied down. I don’t think I’m being unreasonable but it’s all about what his wife and MIL would think of me.
Oh, Magggzzz ! Your son " worries "because he doesn't want his wife and her mother to think badly of [you]" I presume the "MIL" is the "charming guest" you were telling us about in another recent file Well, in French "Il ne manque pas d'air " (="The cheek of it !) I perfectly understand your daughter in law dooesn't want to be a home mum; but find it shocking to read "he expects you to be their childminder ", just doesn't even bother to ask if you ...could consider, and so on... Sorry to say so, as I 'm more dispose to pacify than to add fuel to the fire. Among my friends, there are grannies who ( living not far) will take care of the kids after school hours, during short holidays, or if a sick child is not allowed at his nursery, but never "full time"., and only because they agreed. Wish you good luck, but anyway, as you say they haven't any child yet, it leaves your son to reconsider the issue. XOXO
Oh my word Magggzz, this is so tricky. I honestly feel you need a life of your own after all you have done in the years past. Why do our kids expect so much from us.. continually it seems on so many different levels. Maybe you need to revisit this request from your son when they do have children, as you don't know how old you will be by the time they have them.
I always looked after my own children, I stayed at home in order to do that and so many others I knew at the time did that too - it's been in recent years that women are expected to do career and juggle kids at the same time, putting their children into daycare or giving them to grandparents to look after to save those costs/or because theyd rather have family look after them, fine if all are happy...but I wonder if some grandparents feel they have to say yes.... it's exhausting enough when you're 20 something with energy but as you get old.
My mum always worked as soon as we got to school age (I secretly think she preferred working to looking after us) she got home in time for us to get home from school but as we got older(10 upwards), she worked longer hours and we'd be at home alone for a while. Holidays we'd spend mostly with grandparents in this country or Spain. I think they found us exhausting.
The Italian way is for families to live together so the kids are in the same home with different family members all helping out, responsibilities always being shared which sounds wonderful actually as that's their culture.
There is a lot to be said for being part of a group, and the support and friendship that is gained from this.
I know he worries about what his wife and MIL will think of me but I feel that nobody worries about what I think of them. Yes this is the MIL that stayed at my house for 3 months and took over the kitchen every night but didn’t give me any of the food and stayed and stayed even after my dad died. I feel that at no time did anyone apart from my son worry about my feelings. He’s a gentle soul and a worrier and would tie himself in knots trying to please everybody.
He didn’t think it would be a problem because he sees his friends parents do it. I think he thought this was always just what happened. A lot of his friends struggle but they’re not going to be in that position. If they were then I’d do anything I could to help them but that’s not the case here.
Id love to have a grandchild and I would adore them. I just don’t want it to be a commitment.
This really is a tricky one Magggzzz - I would let it be known that you would prefer that your grandchildren went to nursery rather than you looking after them.
My situation was that all of my grandchildren were at nursery full time until they went to school, I couldn’t possibly have looked after them every day, not only is it tiring, it’s exhausting when it’s continuous.
Well I got the chance to get him on his own this morning and I said that it’s not the norm in this country for grandparents just to look after the children. He’s quite ok with that and so is his wife. His biggest worry now is that his MIL will want to come before the baby’s born and just stay for months. He’s such a gentle soul but even he thinks it would be incredibly stressful and would put a strain on his marriage. He’s talked about it with his wife but she doesn’t seem to be able to set boundaries with her mother.
They’re not even trying for a baby yet but I think he wants to get an understanding in place before it’s too late. Because he would have no trouble telling me to go home I’m not sure he really understands but my mum was quite domineering I perhaps understand a bit better but my mum was much more understanding even if she did like her own way.
His wife’s brother lives in America although he’s looking for a job and if he doesn’t get one soon his visa will run out and he’ll have to go back. He seems to have no problem with telling his mother anything so perhaps I’ll gently suggest to my son that his wife talks to her brother to get his help on this. He wouldn’t live with his mother ever again. He hates her staying with him and before she came here she went for his graduation but only stayed for 2 weeks. He wouldn’t put up with any more.
Maybe he’s worrying about nothing because she’s 70 and has already had one stroke. She’s a very determined lady though.
I started to reply yesterday but got called away and then lost what I’d written. Given your new post, I won’t repeat it although just to say you’re right to stand your ground on this Magggzzz. I have 4 grandchildren but all live too far away for me to be of regular help. I’m glad because I wouldn’t want to be tied up on a regular basis. I also have my OH so when we do look after them, there is 2 of us and invariably we are cream crackered after 2 days never mind a full week. It is a shame that your son is worrying over this but he is being sensible by getting things sorted ahead of time. Very difficult to say things about your in-laws too that may cause a rift. I never had a problem complaining about mine to my OH as he agreed with me but it’s very different for your son. As you said in your other post about his mother-in-law, they have such a different culture to us. If MIL’s own son can’t put up with her for longer than 2 weeks then why should your son? Or you? If she’s had a stroke then she’s not going to be much help to your daughter-in-law when she does have a baby. As my Mum used to say - don’t trouble trouble, till trouble troubles you! Anything could happen!